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| SMS Fun Facts |
| 08.31.05 (7:01 pm) [edit] |
ONE LEARNS AND LIVES TO LAUGH
1. Did you know that 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
2. Wonder no more. The 'spot' on 7UP drink comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.
3. Well, well. Did you know that on an average, 12 newborn babies will be handed over to the wrong parents. And this is just the daily average!
4. Notice the resemblance? Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.
5. Now you will beware. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; even a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.
6. That is a dirty tactic! Orcas (otherwise known as killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
7. Is that why we don't like it so much? Most lipstick products have fish scales as an ingredient.
8. Do you know Donald Duck comics were once banned in Finland because he is shown as not wearing pants?
9. Tomato sauce, or the tomato ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
10. Now you know. The reason why upper case and lower case letters are so named is because in the olden days, when printed matter was composed letter by letter,the Capital letters or 'upper case' letters were stored in the case above the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.
11. Now that's pure genius. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time... so we can say he also invented multi-tasking!
12. Because metal was scarce during World War II, the Oscars given out in wartime were made of wood.
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| SMS Useful or Useless Facts |
| 08.30.05 (8:23 pm) [edit] |
FUN FACTS
1. Money isn't made out of paper, it is made out of cotton.
2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.
3. The dot over the letter i is called a "tittle".
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.
6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
A High Joke
Deep in the backwoods, the mountain resident's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a hurricane lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor, "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's another one coming!"
Sure enough, within a few minutes he delivered a baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern... It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.
The innocent highlander scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?".
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| Big SMS Jokes from Little Girls |
| 08.29.05 (8:09 pm) [edit] |
IN BLACK & WHITE
Attending a wedding for the first time, a 4 y/o girl whispered to her
mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of
happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought
about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
MAN & WOMAN?
There was this little girl, around 4 years old, in the public library with her parents at closing closing time one night. The maintenance people were getting ready with their keys to lock the place up. One of these guys had a long ponytail in addition to bushy sideburns and a sharp goatee of a beard.
The little girl went up to the guy with the ponytail and asked if he was a woman.
He replied, no, he was not a woman.
She thought about the reply for a moment and then said, "Why not?"
At this point her parents called her and went out.
Four seems to be the right age to be philosophical.
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| SMS Jokes for Laughs IV |
| 08.28.05 (6:49 pm) [edit] |
PERFECT PUTDOWNERS:
You are slower than a HERD OF TURTLES stampeding through peanut butter.
I can explain it in detail to you, but I feel your brain would explode.
My REALITY CHECK bounced.
Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.
Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will whiz on your computer.
Light years ahead! Just a phone call away!
Did Kirk say that?
" Very funny Scotty. Now beam up my clothes."
Do the chickens think rubber humans are funny?
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
Borrow money from pessimists--they will not expect it back.
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a BAD CHECK.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
TRUSTWORTHY!
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| SMS Jokes to Pass On |
| 08.26.05 (11:00 pm) [edit] |
Read, laugh and forward to those you think need to laugh:
* I can please only one person each day. Today is just not your day. Tomorrow also is not looking good either.
* It is no accident but something that has stood the test of time: 'stressed' spelled backwards is 'desserts'.
* I wonder if you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
* If I ran backwards fast, would I gain weight faster?
* Just because you act like a paranoid, it does not mean that won't come out to get you.
Joke:
I was covering the Presidential campaign in a small town and passing time till the candidate's whistle stop express arrived at the station. I was togged up in my best gear, cameras, camera bag and pads. I noticed a little girl, all of five years, staring intently at me. Then she came up to me and pointing a dainty finger at my PRESS button asked earnestly ' what happens if I do?'
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| Love This SMS Joke |
| 08.25.05 (11:32 pm) [edit] |
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A drunk comes upon an evangelist who is baptizing a group of people by immersing them in the river. He goes on to walk into the water and finally bumps into the dipping preacher.
The evangelist is almost overwhelmed by the heady alcohol breath, yet he asks the drunk," are you ready to find Jesus?" to which the sot replies," yes, I am ".
So the preacher embraces him and immerses him in the water. Then he pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, did you find Jesus?". The drunk answers, "no, I didn't find Jesus."
The shocked preacher dunks the drunk into the water again for a little longer. He pulls him shivering out of the water and testily asks him again, "have you found
Jesus, my brother?"
The thouroughly sodden drunk again replies, "no, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher reaches the end of his patience and immerses the drunk into the water again, this time he keeps the drunk down for about 30 seconds. As the breathless drunk struggles for air, kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up and asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus now?
The drunk staggers to his feet, wipes his eyes, fills his lungs with the pure air and
says to the preacher, " Sir are you quite sure this is where he fell in?"
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| SMS Jokes a Laugh Riot |
| 08.25.05 (1:30 am) [edit] |
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Careful!
* Be careful when reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
* Classic- a book which people praise and just don't read.
* Life would be much happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty, gradually approach eighteen and stop.
* Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
* Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times!
It's catching
There were these two antenna's sitting on the roof and one day the decided to get married.
The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
A Little Joke
Two dwarfs get into a bar, pick up two hookers and take them to their separate hotel rooms. When they get into the room, the first dwarf strips but no matter how hard he tries, he`s unable to do it. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears the war cry, "ONE TWO,THREE...UUH!" all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I just couldn`t do it." The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that`s embarrassing? I couldn`t even get on to the bed!"
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| A Chuckle of SMS Jokes |
| 08.23.05 (11:57 pm) [edit] |
A chicken and ham sandwich trotted into the bar, sat on the stool and ordered exotic food and beer. The bartender said with a twinge of sadness: "Sorry, we don't serve food here".
Why are orators suffering with lockjaw?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
Why do other people's farts smell? For benefit of the deaf who might not know.
I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?
If only I could rearrange the alphabet, I am sure I would have put U and I together.
Why are the couples stopping after only 3 children? Because they had heard every fourth child born is Chinese!
What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool!
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| SMS Jokes for Laughs III |
| 08.22.05 (10:45 pm) [edit] |
What is the difference between a Rottwieler and a pet Poodle?
If the Rottwieler starts humping your leg, let it finish or else...
One shouls aim for reaching the stars. But first, start by aiming at their bodyguards.
Two goldfish are swiiming in a decorative fish tank. One goldfish asks the other, "Do you at least know how to drive this thing?"
The chances that someone is watching you is directly proportional to the scale and stupidity of your action.
WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!
What will you call a blonde who is hiding in a closet?
The 1987 Hide and Seek World Champion!
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| SMS Jokes to Smile |
| 08.21.05 (9:02 pm) [edit] |
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My nephew came home from his first day at school. He flung down the little bag on the floor, came to me and said in all seriousness," the teacher did not know how to spell ABC and nursery rhymes. I guess I have to go tomorrow and teach her."
Turns out the teacher took a long time pacifying the bawling kids to finish the ABCs.
What do you get when you introduce ESP into a woman who is having PMS? You get a shrewd dame who knows everything.
How do you save a man from drowning? Try to take your foot from his head.
Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?
A: No idea. It has never happened.
Q: Why was the leper caught going 100 miles an hour in a hospital zone?
A: He was not able to take off his foot from the accelerator.
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| Smile Awhile with SMS Jokes |
| 08.19.05 (9:33 pm) [edit] |
BALANCED CHECK ACOUNTS
These days you will call a man sucessful only if he makes more money than his wife can spend.
How do you say that pet dogs and spoilt women are alike:
Neither believes that to maintain silence is to be golden.
Neither can balance a checkbook anyways.
Both of them place too much emphasis on kissing to convey their feelings.
Marriage is actually a painful process of finding out just what kind of man your wife actually prefers.
If you jogged backwards everyday.. would you surely gain weight?
Did you hear about the new Korean Cooking Book that is sold only at pet stores?
It is titled "101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"
If you cannot change your mind, how can you be sure that you still have one?
Did it ever happen that you walked into a room for something and then completely forgot why? Well that is how pet dogs spend their lives!
Iam just not working out my body at the gym. My philosophy is plain and simple: Don't make pain. Don't get pain.
I only use deodorant under one armpit, so that I will know what I would have smelled of if I did not use it!
Did you hear about the idiot who wanted to walk around the world? He drowned.
from the net:
A woman took her parrot to the vet and said "Doctor, help! My bird isn't well!"
The vet says "I'm sorry, Ma'am, there's nothing I can do. Your parrot is gone"
The woman cries, and asks for a second opinion, at which point the vet goes into the other room, and brings a dog back into the exam room on a leash. The dog sniffs up and down the body of the bird, and starts howling "Noo-oww-oww"
The woman says to the vet "I don't understand, can't you do something for my parrot?"
The vet goes back into the kennel, and brings out a tabby, puts it up on the table. The cat sniffs up and down the parrot, and starts crying " Na-ouww, na-ouww"
The vet says to the woman "I'm so sorry, but there's nothing I can do. That'll be $150.00"
"What?! $150.00 for nothing?" the woman cries "Why?"
"Well," says the vet, " It would have been only $50.00, but after the cat scan and the lab report...."
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| SMS Jokes for Laughs II |
| 08.19.05 (12:16 am) [edit] |
Can you guess where is the quietest place in the world? The complaints department at the parachute factory!
Q: What should you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Just run like hell....because she is holding a hand grenade in her mouth.
Why can'treal men express their true feelings?
- Because they don't have any!
Guess what's the difference between a man and E.T.?
- At least E.T. phoned home!
Guess which is the reference book with the least number of pages in the world?
It is the one titled' What Men Know About Women'!
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| SMS Jokes for Laughs |
| 08.19.05 (12:06 am) [edit] |
IS THAT WHY THEY SAY 'SLEEP TIGHT' ?
There was this girl from the Alps who spent the winter night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was six months pregnant!
What is the main difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have one positive side!
What did the elephant say to the naked man in the zoo?
How do you breathe through that little thing?
I see that I have used up all my sick days, so I will call in dead at the office.
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| SMS Jokes to Drive You Crazy |
| 08.17.05 (7:17 pm) [edit] |
Driving Manners: You and Them
When you are driving optimally, all the others are maniacs or speed demons.
When you want to arrive early at the office, you will always have some idiot in front of you whose sole objective is to prevent you from overtaking him.
When you brake hard to save the rabbit or deer darting across the road, it is all your fault that the one behind you totaled your car.
When you slow down to admire the beautiful sunset and the neighbourhood scenery, there is always some boor who wants you to go faster and will not overtake you.
Just when you are enjoying driving on the wide open motorway, the police decide to flag you down for speeding.
Just when you are admiring the beautiful dame in the side lane, some idiot sideswipes your car and leads you to a mess?
Do you notice that when you are driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
ONE LINE PHILOSOPHY
I think drinking and driving is terrible. You will always spill it when you are changing gears at any speed.
Marriage is a three ring circus: an engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffering.
Why was Sonny's girlfriend annoyed?
Because she found out that Sonny's 24 incher was a color TV.
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| More Little Jokes |
| 08.16.05 (8:39 pm) [edit] |
One little guy all of six years old, found himself totally lost in the locker room of a local health club. As he walked around, he came across a group of ladies showering off after a gym session. The startled ladies yelled out something awful,to which our little lord piquantly asks," Haven't they seen a little boy before?"
There was this little girl who was sternly told to watch the milk cooker boiling. She watched it very intently, taking down notes whenever there was activity on the boilin. The girls mother watched in dismay as the day's milk slowly settled on the floor after boiling out of the stove.
When asked why, she just said, you told me to watch it, not stop it.
My favorite kiddiestory. Asked as to his mother tongue( what is spoken at home) one brave little boy said proudly 'red?'.
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| More Little Jokes |
| 08.16.05 (8:38 pm) [edit] |
One little guy all of six years old, found himself totally lost in the locker room of a local health club. As he walked around, he came across a group of ladies showering off after a gym session. The startled ladies yelled out something awful,to which our little lord piquantly asks," Haven't they seen a little boy before?"
There was this little girl who was sternly told to watch the milk cooker boiling. She watched it very intently, taking down notes whenever there was activity on the boilin. The girls mother watched in dismay as the day's milk slowly settled on the floor after boiling out of the stove.
When asked why, she just said, you told me to watch it, not stop it.
My favorite kiddiestory. Asked as to his mother tongue( what is spoken at home) one brave little boy said proudly 'red?'.
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| Kids SMS Jokes |
| 08.16.05 (12:59 am) [edit] |
My 5 year old niece watched fascinated as I dressed up in a Tuxedo for the terribly formal evening. She asked why I was wearing it. I told her that it was a very important ocasion and the big people want me to wear it. Seemingly satisfied, she went out. My wife, who was having her own trouble getting ready, overhead the girl telling her little brother," Dudley, uncle is wearing the suit that will give him headache in the morning". A reference to the day after hangover!
The five year old just walked in from her first day at school. She said," I am just wasting my time. They know I can't read and I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
Family Bibles are big and bulky and hold a lot of treasures. So naturally when a curious kid prised open the family Bible, he was quite fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. The boy picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mummy, look what I found in this big book", the boy called out excitedly. " Yes, what did you find there, my boy?"
With an air pf astonishment that would not be out of place in an archeological dig, the little boy answered, "I think it must be Adam's underwear!"
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| SMS Jokes to Smile Awhile |
| 08.12.05 (11:02 pm) [edit] |
Why was Adam created before Eve?
Because God wanted to try out a rough prototype before the final version.
Licky Splat
I want to lick you all over... I want to feel your taste and your delicious chill... I want to move my tongue all over you...I want to feel you in my mouth...yep, that's how I want to eat my favorite ice cream flavor!
Why do students feel that Algebra is dangerous? Because it is a weapon of math destruction!
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| Wife SMS Jokes |
| 08.11.05 (12:03 am) [edit] |
Q: What is the essential difference between a housewife and a hot girlfriend?
A: About 25 kilos!!
Q: What is the difference between a wife and a cigarette?
A: You can stub out the cigarette and your wife can butt in on you.
Q: What is the difference between a smart and sexy blonde woman and a flying saucer?
A: Some people swear they have seen a flying saucer.
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