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SMS Jokes for Fun V
09.25.05 (9:53 pm)   [edit]
EMBARRASSING COMPULSION

A man walks into a bar and orders white wine. He takes a sip of the wine, then tosses the rest on the barman's face. Before the barman recovers from the surprise, the man begins to weep.

"I am so sorry," he says. "I am really so sorry. I keep doing this to all bartenders. I just can't tell you how deeply embarrassing it is for me to have a compulsion like this."

Far from being angry, the barman is very sympathetic. He suggests that the man see his cousin, who is an analyst about his problem.
The barman also says that "my brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get."

Six months later, the man returns with a happy face.
"Did you do what I suggested?" the barman asks, serving a glass of white wine.

"I certainly did," the man said. "Now I have to see the psychoanalyst twice a week." He takes a sip of the wine, then throws the rest into the barman's face.

The thoroughly rattled barman wipes his face with a towel. After a long silence, he mutters "The doctor did not do you any good," he sputters.

"On the contrary," the man claims, "he has done a world of good for me."

"But you have tossed the wine in my face again!" the bartender exclaimed.

"Yes," the man replied. "But now it does not embarrass me anymore!"



 
Fun SMS Jokes
09.22.05 (7:48 pm)   [edit]
A really creative teacher asked her students if anyone knew the answer to the sum 2+2. They each had three tries or else they would not get out during the break.

The first school kid said "Uh, 14? "No," the teacher said. The second kid said "3.8" "Not quite" the teacher said. Finally the third kid said "That's easy, 4" "Yes, you all get recess now".

At the playground the kids asked how did he know the answer and he said "It's all in the Kidneys!" as he pointed to his head.

COMPUTER.... MALE OR FEMALE?

As we all know, ships have traditionally been characterized as the female gender (like "Steady as she goes" or "She's listing to starboard,Captain!").

Recently, a group of male computer scientists reported that computers should also be referred as female. They listed the following reasons:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with
other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."

4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


However, another group, this time all female computer scientists think thought that computers should be referred as male. They listed the following reasons:

1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half
the time they ARE the problem.

3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.




 
SMS Fun Facts 3
09.21.05 (9:44 pm)   [edit]
THAT’S IT!

A blonde walks into an appliance store and says I would like to buy that T.V. please. The store clerk replies I’m sorry, we can’t sell you that. So she stormed off back to her house and dyed her hair black. The next day, she went back to the same store and said I would like to buy that T.V. please. The store clerk, once again, replies," sorry, we dont sell to blondes. The blonde asks him, surprised, " how did you know I was blonde?" The clerk says, it was easy, because that is actually a microwave, not a T.V.!"

MISCHIEVOUS

A rich lady from California, who was a tree hugger and a vociferous anti- hunter, purchased a piece of timberland in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, a spotted owl attacked her by surprise.

In her haste to escape the attack, the lady slid down the tree quickly to the ground and in the process got many splinters embedded in her groin and thighs. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest country doctor available. Being a hunter himself, the doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited in pain for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded,"what took you so long? He smiled and told her, " well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area and I am sorry, because they all turned me down!!"


 
SMS Questions that Have Confused Humankind!!
09.21.05 (1:15 am)   [edit]
1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

2. Who was the first person to say "See that chicken there....I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."

3. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

4. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

5. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

6. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

7. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

8. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

9. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

10. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

11. What do you call male ballerinas?

12. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

13. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

14. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

15. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

16. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

17. Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

18. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

19. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

20. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?

21. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can't wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?

22. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?



 
SMS Jokes for Fun II
09.20.05 (12:20 am)   [edit]
A REAL TREAT
Dave is a hard worker and spends his evenings at the gym either bowling or playing basketball. His long wedded wife decides to give him a treat on his birthday and takes him to a local strip club.
The club doorman greets them familiarly with, "Hi, Dave, how are you doing?"
His puzzled wife asks hubby if he had visited this club before. "Oh no," exclaims Dave. "the guy is a member of my bowling team."
When they are seated in the club, the waiter brings Dave his usual Budweiser and tells him will the lady also have Bud? The wife gets very uncomfortable and says, "You are a regular visitor here if that woman knew you drink Budweiser".
"No, my dear, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. And we work together most days." Says the hubby emphatically.
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi, Dave dear," she says, " Shall I do your usual table dance?"
Dave's wife gets furious and storms out of the club with Dave following her getting into a cab. He jumps in the cab before she can slam the door, and she becomes hysterical and screams at him.

The cabby looks behind and tells Dave, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight."


 
SMS Jokes for Fun
09.19.05 (1:59 am)   [edit]
A CHEAP TRICK


A lady enters a bar in a high rise building and sees a handsome guy drinking at the counter. She goes over to him and asks, "what are you drinking?"

"Magic Beer", he replies. She thinks he's a little nutty, so she walks away and around the bar, but after noticing that no one else is worth talking to, she goes back to the guy sitting at the bar and says, "This is really Magic Beer, is it?"

The handsome hunk replies, "sure, I'll show you it is Magic Beer." He takes a long drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the window.

The lady stares in abject disbelief: "I bet you can't do that again."

The hunk takes another long drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.

She is so astounded that she asks the barman I want a Magic Beer. So the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."

She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, drops all of 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and tells him," you know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you get drunk!"

 
Whacky SMS Jokes to Make Friends Laugh
09.16.05 (1:54 am)   [edit]
Signs to Say When You are Tight...

You lose arguments even with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the ground to keep off falling out of the earth.
Job interferes with your drinking.
Your doctor discovers that there are traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Your career stays firmly at Senator from Massachusetts.
The toilet seat keeps hitting the back of your head.
You believe alcohol IS the elusive Fountain of Youth.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case is no coincidence.
Two hands and you want more than just one mouth.That's a drinking problem!
You can see a lot better with one eye closed.
The parking lot has been moved while you were in the bar.
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, when 5 beers have the same calories as a burger, why eat when you can drink?
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep fully clothed. - hmm.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.
Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
I'm as jober as a sudge.
The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

 
SMS Jokes and Facts
09.14.05 (11:55 pm)   [edit]
The Sanity Test

A visitor in a mental asylum asked the Director what criteria is used to determine whether a patient should be institutionalized or not.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub with water, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the water out of the tub."

Okay, here's your test:

1. Would you use the spoon?
2. Would you use the teacup?
3. Would you use the bucket?

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket since it is larger than the teacup or spoon."

"No," answered the Director. "A normal person would pull out the stopper."

Made you think, eh?

Joke

One Day, a girl wearing a skintight miniskirt tried to get on to the bus. When it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would get loose enough to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So embarrassed the girl was, a man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I thought that we were friends."



Beer Troubleshooting Facts to Sober you

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.



 
New SMS Jokes to Laugh
09.13.05 (11:42 pm)   [edit]
So This is What Happens

A man was was accosted for a donation by a very dirty and shabby-looking tramp who asked him to give a few dollars for dinner.

So he took out ten dollars, and doubtful, he asked the tramp: " Now if I give you this, will you spend it on beer?"

"No, I have stopped drinking some years ago," the tramp man replied.

"Will you gamble instead?" the benefactor asked. The horrified tramp replied, " no, I cannot gamble as I sorely need everything I can obtain just to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a golf session instead?", the friendly guy asked.

"Are you crazy!" said the homeless man. "I last played golf over 20 years ago!"

The donor had a final doubt, and asked the tramp "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead?"

"I cant afford to catch a disease for ten bucks?!!", exclaimed the tramp.

"Well," said the man, " Then I won't give you the money. Instead, I will take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The dirty and shabby tramp was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?" I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied with a smile, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex!".

New Definitions
An airline pilot wrote about a hard flight where he touched the runway really hard. The airline's policy required that the first officer stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline."
The Pilot thought that, as they had a bad landing, he had a terrible time looking the passengers in the eye, blinking hard that someone would have a smart comment.

Finally almost everyone had gotten off when this little old lady came walking with a cane. She asked the pilot, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"

The little old lady said, "Please tell me, did we land or were we shot down?"


 
New SMS Jokes
09.09.05 (1:20 am)   [edit]
SHE IS RIGHT

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals."

The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be sugar?"

The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."

The teacher fainted!

A FARM YARN

The newlyweds, a farmer and his wife, were visited by her mother, who immediately began an inspection of the place.

While they were all walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by.

The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes, and say something.

Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, no and mumble a reply.

Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, ''The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, yes, it was.

The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, sorry I can't. The damn animal is booked up for a year."




 
SMS Funny Quotes I
09.06.05 (12:49 am)   [edit]
* I got a life. I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

* Since cats are supposed have nine lives it makes them ideal as the guinea pigs for conducting experimentation.

* The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.

* My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

* The dodo died first. Then Dodi and Di died and soon afterwards Dando died... Dido must be feeling the heat herself.

* My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard and I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.

* Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?

* You have to remember all the little nothings your girl friend whispers in your ear. You never know when your knowledge will be tested. She will suddenly turn around and ask you: "What's my favourite flower?"

And if you manage to recover your wits and murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening. Self-raising?". People will have a hard time scraping bits of you from the floor. Mark my words."

* The world is really quite a dangerous place; just yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.

* I saw that show titled "50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one would be "Shout For Help".

*Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

Plumbers are hard to get
A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please".

The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?"

The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".



* I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"

* It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.

* I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.

* If you find that you a're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They are quite seriously
trained for all that."



 
SMS Jokes to Chuckle
09.04.05 (7:37 pm)   [edit]
NEW JOKES

Do you know why Andy is so popular with the pretty girls? Well, when he sits down beside a pretty girl in a bar, he tells her, 'I am not really so tall, I am just sitting on my wallet.'

IT IS A NEW WORLD NOW.

If you wanted to check out how far we have come
down the road to modernization, check these out:

· Home is where you hang your @.
· The email of the species is more deadly than the mail.
· Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.
· The geek shall inherit the earth.
· The journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.


SIGN IN A DENTIST’S OFFICE:

Be true to your teeth or they will be false to you!


SOME ACCIDENT PREVENTION TIPS
Remember where you kept your accident emergency book. You may trip over it in the dark of a powerless night.

If you really believe that women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blanket over to your side of the bed during the night.

The human cannonball who wanted to retire after a long career in the circus was asked by his boss, “where can I find a person of your caliber?”

A PIECE OF CAKE?

A dieting woman made a beautiful cake for her family. All the family members polished off half the cake and she stored the rest in the fridge. The woman, racked by temptation, could not resist the urge to eat a slice after another till the whole cake was gone. She was stung by remorse and wanted to make amends. So when the family woke up, they still found half a cake in the fridge.
Well, to cut a long story short, the dieter baked another cake and ate half so that it looked like the original cake!


YOUR COMPUTER NEEDS A NEW NAME?
How happy are you with your computer? Do you love it or hate it ? If you could, what would you name it?
· arrogant automaton
· lily livered, lead-lined lummox
· digitized dunce
· hard headed harbinger of evil
· hulking mass of mechanical ignorance
· bumbling bucket of bolts
· impersonal collection of inanimate hardware
· worthless electronic scrap heap
· monstrous mechanized misguided moron
· demented diode
· sorry specimen of computerhood.


 
SMS Jokes for Laughs IV
09.02.05 (7:24 pm)   [edit]
PRAYER CHANGES THINGS?

Can you tell the difference between people who are praying in church and those who are praying in casinos? Well, The ones in the casinos are serious.


Two old ladies were sitting at a bus stop waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. Then it started raining, so the smoking lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoking.

Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! But, what is that thing you put over your cigarette?"

The other old lady said, "It's a condom."

"A condom? Where do you get those?"

The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"

The old lady thought for a minute and said, "Well I want one that will fit a Camel."

ANOTHER HOSPITAL JOKE

A patient is lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his mouth.

A young nurse enters his room to sponge his face and hands. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know Mr. Jones, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

The head nurse walks by and sees the man getting a little distraught, so she marches over to find out what's wrong. "Nurse," he mumbles, "are my testicles black?"

The head nurse whips back the sheets, pulls down the man's pajamas, moves his penis out of the way, has a good look, pulls up the pajamas and says, "There's nothing wrong with them."

Frustrated at this, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and asks again, "I said, are my test results back?!"



 
SMS Fun Facts 2
09.01.05 (8:20 pm)   [edit]
MUG THESE FACTS UP TO STAR IN YOUR NEXT PARTY

1. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

2. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before!

3. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver!

4. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.

5. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death. (Useful info).

6. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was a Captain Kirk mask painted white.

7. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar (good to know.)

8. If you raise your legs slowly and keep lying on your back, you cannot sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless.)

9. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law,which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb (sign of a true civilized society ... not.)

10. The first product Motorola developed was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the best known brand was Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

11. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples! (Guess what I'm buying on my next trip to the grocery store?)

12. Chew gum while peeling onions and it will keep you from crying!

13. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

14. That's a record. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.

15. Hold the beans. Astronauts cannot eat beans before they go into space because their farting in the space suit damages it.


 
SMS Fun Facts
08.31.05 (7:01 pm)   [edit]
ONE LEARNS AND LIVES TO LAUGH


1. Did you know that 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

2. Wonder no more. The 'spot' on 7UP drink comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.

3. Well, well. Did you know that on an average, 12 newborn babies will be handed over to the wrong parents. And this is just the daily average!

4. Notice the resemblance? Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.

5. Now you will beware. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; even a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.

6. That is a dirty tactic! Orcas (otherwise known as killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.

7. Is that why we don't like it so much? Most lipstick products have fish scales as an ingredient.

8. Do you know Donald Duck comics were once banned in Finland because he is shown as not wearing pants?

9. Tomato sauce, or the tomato ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.

10. Now you know. The reason why upper case and lower case letters are so named is because in the olden days, when printed matter was composed letter by letter,the Capital letters or 'upper case' letters were stored in the case above the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.

11. Now that's pure genius. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time... so we can say he also invented multi-tasking!

12. Because metal was scarce during World War II, the Oscars given out in wartime were made of wood.



 
SMS Useful or Useless Facts
08.30.05 (8:23 pm)   [edit]
FUN FACTS

1. Money isn't made out of paper, it is made out of cotton.

2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.

3. The dot over the letter i is called a "tittle".

4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.

6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

A High Joke

Deep in the backwoods, the mountain resident's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a hurricane lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor, "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's another one coming!"

Sure enough, within a few minutes he delivered a baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern... It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.

The innocent highlander scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?".



 
Big SMS Jokes from Little Girls
08.29.05 (8:09 pm)   [edit]
IN BLACK & WHITE
Attending a wedding for the first time, a 4 y/o girl whispered to her
mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of
happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought
about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

MAN & WOMAN?
There was this little girl, around 4 years old, in the public library with her parents at closing closing time one night. The maintenance people were getting ready with their keys to lock the place up. One of these guys had a long ponytail in addition to bushy sideburns and a sharp goatee of a beard.

The little girl went up to the guy with the ponytail and asked if he was a woman.

He replied, no, he was not a woman.

She thought about the reply for a moment and then said, "Why not?"

At this point her parents called her and went out.

Four seems to be the right age to be philosophical.



 
SMS Jokes for Laughs IV
08.28.05 (6:49 pm)   [edit]
PERFECT PUTDOWNERS:

You are slower than a HERD OF TURTLES stampeding through peanut butter.

I can explain it in detail to you, but I feel your brain would explode.

My REALITY CHECK bounced.

Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.


Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will whiz on your computer.

Light years ahead! Just a phone call away!

Did Kirk say that?
" Very funny Scotty. Now beam up my clothes."


Do the chickens think rubber humans are funny?

There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.

Borrow money from pessimists--they will not expect it back.

As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a BAD CHECK.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
TRUSTWORTHY!


 
SMS Jokes to Pass On
08.26.05 (11:00 pm)   [edit]
Read, laugh and forward to those you think need to laugh:

* I can please only one person each day. Today is just not your day. Tomorrow also is not looking good either.

* It is no accident but something that has stood the test of time: 'stressed' spelled backwards is 'desserts'.

* I wonder if you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

* If I ran backwards fast, would I gain weight faster?

* Just because you act like a paranoid, it does not mean that won't come out to get you.

Joke:

I was covering the Presidential campaign in a small town and passing time till the candidate's whistle stop express arrived at the station. I was togged up in my best gear, cameras, camera bag and pads. I noticed a little girl, all of five years, staring intently at me. Then she came up to me and pointing a dainty finger at my PRESS button asked earnestly ' what happens if I do?'




 
Love This SMS Joke
08.25.05 (11:32 pm)   [edit]

A drunk comes upon an evangelist who is baptizing a group of people by immersing them in the river. He goes on to walk into the water and finally bumps into the dipping preacher.

The evangelist is almost overwhelmed by the heady alcohol breath, yet he asks the drunk," are you ready to find Jesus?" to which the sot replies," yes, I am ".

So the preacher embraces him and immerses him in the water. Then he pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, did you find Jesus?". The drunk answers, "no, I didn't find Jesus."

The shocked preacher dunks the drunk into the water again for a little longer. He pulls him shivering out of the water and testily asks him again, "have you found
Jesus, my brother?"
The thouroughly sodden drunk again replies, "no, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher reaches the end of his patience and immerses the drunk into the water again, this time he keeps the drunk down for about 30 seconds. As the breathless drunk struggles for air, kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up and asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus now?

The drunk staggers to his feet, wipes his eyes, fills his lungs with the pure air and
says to the preacher, " Sir are you quite sure this is where he fell in?"


 



 
SMS Jokes a Laugh Riot
08.25.05 (1:30 am)   [edit]

Careful!


 


*  Be careful when reading health books. You may die of a misprint.


 


* Classic- a book which people praise and just don't read.


 


*  Life would be much happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty, gradually approach eighteen and stop.


 


* Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.


 


* Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times!


 


It's catching


 


There were these two antenna's sitting on the roof and one day the decided to get married.


 


The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.


 


A Little Joke


 


Two dwarfs get into a bar, pick up two hookers and take them to their separate hotel rooms. When they get into the room, the first dwarf strips but no matter how hard he tries, he`s unable to do it. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears the war cry, "ONE  TWO,THREE...UUH!" all night long.


 


In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I just couldn`t do it." The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that`s embarrassing? I couldn`t even get on to the bed!"


 


 



 
A Chuckle of SMS Jokes
08.23.05 (11:57 pm)   [edit]
A chicken and ham sandwich trotted into the bar, sat on the stool and ordered exotic food and beer. The bartender said with a twinge of sadness: "Sorry, we don't serve food here".

Why are orators suffering with lockjaw?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

Why do other people's farts smell? For benefit of the deaf who might not know.


I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?

If only I could rearrange the alphabet, I am sure I would have put U and I together.

Why are the couples stopping after only 3 children? Because they had heard every fourth child born is Chinese!

What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool!


 
SMS Jokes for Laughs III
08.22.05 (10:45 pm)   [edit]
What is the difference between a Rottwieler and a pet Poodle?
If the Rottwieler starts humping your leg, let it finish or else...


One shouls aim for reaching the stars. But first, start by aiming at their bodyguards.

Two goldfish are swiiming in a decorative fish tank. One goldfish asks the other, "Do you at least know how to drive this thing?"


The chances that someone is watching you is directly proportional to the scale and stupidity of your action.

WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!



What will you call a blonde who is hiding in a closet?
The 1987 Hide and Seek World Champion!


 
SMS Jokes to Smile
08.21.05 (9:02 pm)   [edit]

My nephew came home from his first day at school. He flung down the little bag on the floor, came to me and said in all seriousness," the teacher did not know how to spell ABC and nursery rhymes. I guess I have to go tomorrow and teach her."


 


Turns out the teacher took a long time pacifying the bawling kids to finish the ABCs. 


 


What do you get when you introduce ESP into a woman who is having PMS? You get a shrewd dame who knows everything.


 


How do you save a man from drowning? Try to take your foot from his head.


 


Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?


 


A: No idea. It has never happened.


 


 


Q: Why was the leper caught going 100 miles an hour in a hospital zone?


 


A: He was not able to take off his foot from the accelerator.



 
Smile Awhile with SMS Jokes
08.19.05 (9:33 pm)   [edit]
BALANCED CHECK ACOUNTS

These days you will call a man sucessful only if he makes more money than his wife can spend.

How do you say that pet dogs and spoilt women are alike:
Neither believes that to maintain silence is to be golden.
Neither can balance a checkbook anyways.
Both of them place too much emphasis on kissing to convey their feelings.


Marriage is actually a painful process of finding out just what kind of man your wife actually prefers.

If you jogged backwards everyday.. would you surely gain weight?

Did you hear about the new Korean Cooking Book that is sold only at pet stores?
It is titled "101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"

If you cannot change your mind, how can you be sure that you still have one?

Did it ever happen that you walked into a room for something and then completely forgot why? Well that is how pet dogs spend their lives!

Iam just not working out my body at the gym. My philosophy is plain and simple: Don't make pain. Don't get pain.

I only use deodorant under one armpit, so that I will know what I would have smelled of if I did not use it!

Did you hear about the idiot who wanted to walk around the world? He drowned.

from the net:
A woman took her parrot to the vet and said "Doctor, help! My bird isn't well!"
The vet says "I'm sorry, Ma'am, there's nothing I can do. Your parrot is gone"
The woman cries, and asks for a second opinion, at which point the vet goes into the other room, and brings a dog back into the exam room on a leash. The dog sniffs up and down the body of the bird, and starts howling "Noo-oww-oww"
The woman says to the vet "I don't understand, can't you do something for my parrot?"
The vet goes back into the kennel, and brings out a tabby, puts it up on the table. The cat sniffs up and down the parrot, and starts crying " Na-ouww, na-ouww"
The vet says to the woman "I'm so sorry, but there's nothing I can do. That'll be $150.00"

"What?! $150.00 for nothing?" the woman cries "Why?"

"Well," says the vet, " It would have been only $50.00, but after the cat scan and the lab report...."